What I Am
May 1, 2012I’ve said who I am, but I don’t think people understand what kind of animal I might be. I’m Matthew Sawyer, but I’ve tried telling that to everyone. In schemes larger than myself, I’m nobody from nowhere. I’ve got no awards or accreditation. No one has recognized me beyond a few people buying my books and far fewer saying anything about me in forums – good or evil. My writing has been called evil, but I’m certain that is simply a misunderstanding. I admit, I write about evil and it is the very crux of my creativity. All the same, my writing is not evil. For the sake of argumentative candidness, I feel it’s gospel and I am quite righteous about my homunculus. That’s not to say my craft-work is perfect. I am always cutting off warts and incising grammar errors and typos.
What I want to be is a professional storyteller and write books. Like I’ve said, some folks have purchased my stories and strangers have even liked my online posts at Social Networks, but that is simply not enough love. I’m speaking about the emotional and financial aspects of love. I pray you understand, I don’t really have a fast grip on the concept other than a self-destructive passion for my conceptual mythology of the abominable undead and chimeric monsters. I mean destructive in the sense I’ve abandoned all else in my life – joblessness helps dictate that condition.
Of course, with self-destruction comes a craven appetite. I need more readers, more Likes on Facebook, Art patrons who purchase my prints at Deviantart and Cafepress. Above all, I need millions of people who buy my books. When that happens, I will continue to write and my stories will get better. My mythology of monsters will become roots of popular culture.
Other than my drive toward creating Art, I’m horrible dealing with interpersonal relationships. I need an agent and someone who is all-around a better person than myself. You see, I’m aware I’m a lousy son and a terrible boyfriend. Sometimes, I feel that is a choice I made so that I can continue producing artwork. It’s true that I often see everything in life besides my art and writing as distractions.
Despite some unbridled animus, this disconnectedness has granted me genuinely Romantic perspectives. I write about the sublime agony part of interpersonal Romance where secret endeavors are frustrated and desires are forever unfulfilled. The fact is I am not a terrible person – people simply do not want to see what I look at or go the places I’m drawn. You will, you all will eventually. The plans I have include 10% of this world’s population reading me. Even dead, at 10% I’ll be alive and in the consciousness of mankind. That’s how our religions got started and I have the equivalent aspirations of the Beatles (I’m aware of my grandiosity too).
All the same, its curse has always stopped me from landing a foot on the ground. I’m where teachers and parents have warned children they would be without a degree, without friends, without connections. Now, I’ve tried taking those paths but I find I remain cursed. No one likes what I like. No one finds interesting and entertaining the complex fantasies I imagine. Really, that is the truth. I’m unique in that sense, or that is just the incumbent impression of the state-of-mind. There were a couple of kids once, but they’re dead. Still today, everyone else just stands steadfast in their own brand of unshakable commercial paganism. Not those two.
What I need is a “Jesus moment,” a time when Constantine saw the Chi-Rho in the skies – well, that’s one story. Others say the third century Roman Emperor dreamed of divinity. In a more personal relationship, I’d like a Roman Emperor to make edicts that command everyone reads my writing. I should have wrote that in my Pazuzu Trilogy , but the Church had banned books. Yeah, I’m not beyond mandating an Inquisition and forcing everyone to enjoy my fiction. I’d even say thanks to the Antichrist if he promoted my book. While we’re waiting for his or her arrival, I’d suggest everyone get started reading, just so that people finish my Pazuzu Trilogy before the Apocalypse.
Purchase Pazuzu Trilogy Pocket books and Hardcovers at LULU.
