Why Don’t You Write Romance?

August 25, 2012

Once she started making $90,000, my ex-fiancee got the idea she was too good for me. That was a strain on our relationship. She said she didn’t want to be with a man who made less money than her. Then she met a millionaire. I gave up. The woman became a whore, and a wretched one. Have you seen her? I put my dick into that so I wouldn’t go to Dante’s second plane of Hell for masturbation. Yeah, my definition of self-pleasure is merely technical but that is how Christians operate. Salvation is only a false admission away no matter what one does.

What’s her “side of the story?” I’m simply not interested. Her explanation is a waste of time – waste… she is the one of us two whom is wasteful. She wasted my time and let me stray from producing Art, from re-discovering writing. I imagine she tells herself and others anything to assuage her guilt. This is why I am not the woman’s friend. I will not be her scapegoat.

Of course, I wish misery upon her. But wishes are not reality. She’ll need to construct that suffering and bring it down upon herself. That’s the one thing she’s good at doing. Although, money seems to staunch those self-inflicted wounds. It buys love, so it must be full of special.

Why am I so bitter? I had been out of her life before I knew anything about her new romance. She broke our engagement a couple months after I had proposed marriage. I was fine never to see her dour face again. And she calls me back after half a year and I grew hopeful. Even then she was dishonest. Was she being vindictive? I left again now punished. Why did she call me back – to play some sadistic game of “what’s behind the curtain?” Did she call me back into her life just to make herself feel better?

There is a negative aspect of co-dependence. She’s professionally trained to see that. If I am to trust the woman did not intend malice, then she is blind. That is the nicest conclusion I can make. Yet, what does that reveal about her, about her skills, her qualifications? I don’t think she cares to admit these implications to herself. They are distracting, especially as cash is foremost on her mind. She dreams of money. It is the stuff of romance. I have none of it.

Matthew Sawyer's Pazuzu Trilogy

Purchase Pazuzu Trilogy Pocket books and Hardcovers at LULU.


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