October 18, 2013

“Doctor, have you ever seen one of those Nature videos about that octopus they filmed walking underwater?”


“You know what I’m talking about, that octopus who walks on the bottom of the ocean, all bipedal-like.”


“You know, scientists. Well, they filmed octopuses, right? The show was about camouflage and how predators can creep up on you.”

“I can’t say I watch very much television…”

“Well, this was a good show. It showed an octopus in a ghillie suit, not made of grass and crap. The thing camouflaged its own flesh, changed color and everything. It changed its skin into individual leaves, them things flapping in the water current and everything.”

“Mister… I don’t think a television show…”

“No, doc, I’m getting to that. Anyway, its head – that thing that looks like a scrotum – well, I guess that’s his body and everything. They’re built like spiders, I suppose.”


“Okay, that’s what my junk looks like, like an amputated octopus.”


“Well, the octopus in that video had all his legs. He curled them up underneath his nut sack, except two tentacles. He used those and walked around like a person or something. It poked up those beady eyes and let his scrotum float down, behind him like a balloon losing air. I’m saying my junk looks like that the other way around – after mine grew tiny legs and walked away.”

“Eh, hmm.”

“No, really. I was in the John at work, sitting there pooping when it just came off – balls and all.”

“Can I have a look? What did you do?”

“There’s nothing to see. There’s nothing left but a piss-hole. And I yelled at my pecker. The damn thing had those little legs and its knobby knees knocked my testicles when it ran. I shouted the floor was dirty. It was.”


– Matthew Sawyer


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